Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
