Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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