Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
