I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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