She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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