Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
