11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Randomize