i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
