I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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