The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
