Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
