You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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