I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize