You can't motorboat a personality
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
