god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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