You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
