i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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