I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
