Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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