So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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