just tell him i said nine months
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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