I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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