we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
