I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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