:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
