Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
