the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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