Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
