I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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