I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
