just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
