I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
