So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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