I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
