I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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