make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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