i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
