Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
