so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
