When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
