My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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