The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is Oprah even human
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
