Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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