apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
