You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I fill condoms, not promises.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
