i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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