you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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