Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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