Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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