I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
