I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
