I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
