Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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