I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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