well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
