He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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