:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
