New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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