oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
