It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
