Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
