I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize