just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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